claws out

paternal
protective
my home
my family
they aren't mine
but i'll take them in
contain them
blockade

parasite,
pathetic bug
taunting dirt
sitting out front
tempting my family
you filth
i'd push you off
blow you away
if it'd do a damn bit of good
keep you away


the sight of you

skin crawls

tremors

i bite my tongue

turfs of fur
all on end

tail flipping

ears back



i'd rip you apart if it weren't for them


if i weren't trying to set a mold

rotting fruit of the past

it leaves a bad taste
chewing it up
spitting it out
try to take it
swallow it down
understand it


but i just
can't stomach it
repulsive
this taste is familiar
so similar


just as disgusting



the stench
it prevents me from trying
it reminds me
sickens me
disturbs me


it floats
this aroma
it comes off
punches my senses
knocks me on my ass
suffocates
gagging for some fresh scent
something clean
anything but this


at the enterence
opening statement
say a damn thing
acid builds
making me sick


it's so damn foul

a goose of hypocrisy

here i thought i was sick
obsessed
so deeply hurt



get over it
grow up
if so much pain collects in the pond
fly your ass away
gunshots don't fucking spook you
everything we try
you just won't leave this behind

awkward goose
go away
you crane your neck
force it
make yourself look down on everyone
look away from yourself
just to ignore your wings
snobbish doesn't look well on you

you flare out those wings
scare us out of pain
yet you can't stop
and use your wings
for yourself

if goose were on the menu
if i could share the delight with my girl
if you'd run and give us a challenge
we'd hunt you down
wring that scrawy neck to slience the complaints

it's not your season
fly
lift yourself above this
don't look above it
don't wish to be above it
just do it

started with a joke

your name
it sends me into a fit of smiles
does the body really use less energy

to smile?


you make me believe it
you make me think everything is fine
so comfortable
no need to stress

you're working wonders
those fingers
kneading the aches and sores away
with all the lotion
everything slides right off my back
no cares in the world

again with the drugs
a painkiller.
that, my dear, is what you are

everything is calm
the storm approaches
august comes
and soon september
i think
i'll run to you
hide in your shack with a roof
please stay with me
don't worry about hunting for food
just make me warm and calm
and massage this stress away

jumping around landmines

i remember
i still have them
they're locked in there

spring cleaning
well, technically summer cleaning
take the box of paper
set it out for recycle
get rid of it
but it's not trash

see the days
i grab them
violently throwing them
my anger pressured on to them
throwing them in a trash bag
rain come and put out the flames
i gather them all
organize them
leave 2 aside, on the top of them all
they made me smile

the light danced in them
you thought they were bland
they looked so beautiful
different shades
so deep
then the one day
i swear my heart was going insane
my throat hurt
i held them back
you were trying to
"i'd hold you if you'd like me to"
if you'd want me to
if you'd let me
i'll walk if i have to

everything
"you can have mine..."

i'm still paying for this
every thought that finds its way through
makes it safely to the other side
rubs it in
"...because i know you care"

it's nothing i should worry about
nothing to do with me
shouldn't be worrying
even if i want to be a part of everything

what i would have done
i wasn't there
damn coffee shop
damn school
they burned me
let go
melted into the alternate reality
"i'd keep them warm if you wanted"
if you'd let me

something
can't be back here
has to leave
it was so calm
until the storm came and ruined the night
the winds blew
the cowards hid in fear,
yet still made noise
damn pests
"here, meant to give it to you earlier...later"

socially awkward mess
cute?
they said that?
maybe i'm not a complete failure

"give her this"
didn't sleep
not long
not well
kept crying
pathetic whorish toy
time was wasted,
lost
"i'd lay down and die...if you'd let me"

nothing.

-_-

liquid smoke
taste it
can't place it


too lost
dazed
everything is hazy


motive
what is my motive?

feel good
come up
go down?
need that rise



toy
not a stepping stone
those have a purpose

here for fun
kick me out
drop me in the world
drunk and stoned
sounds like fun
something to burn this out
i can't keep saying it
"i'm sorry hun."
biting my tongue
escort?
i need one


...maybe 2
something to play with
something to do
distract me
drawn away
lure me

where's that leash?
i can't find it


...is she still holding it?




is she here...?



damn this smoke.

held under

lungs about to burst
why does this hurt?
my throat burns
nose yearns
i need to--
but you hold me here
should have gotten a deeper breath
should have known
listened
"not for a while"
hold you to it
in one ear
out the other
you hold me here
the reef i hug
cling to
you never said it
so here i wait
wait and wait
i'm crying
can't tell can you?
i know
the stripes hide it
can't see a tear when it's there
right before your eyes
it looks like a stripe
are you keeping time?
it's been a while
still here i am
clutching to the coral
in the way of a choice?
reminding you
without using my voice
another bubble to catch your attention
shouldn't let out more
your patience is wearing thin
my lungs are about to give in
i keep on wondering when...
is it a test or are you lost from the confusing directions?

that's stealing

like a bubble of acid
i spew
it won't go away
forms again and again
i want to scream
only tears come
it hurts too damn much
the i.v.
what has he put in it?
why?
i feel insane
driven up a wall
abandoned in a hospital
acid again
tried everything
electroshock
hypnosis
nothing new
s.s.d.d.

why is a wall working against me?
the instructions said keep going
here i am
face first in this wall
acid keeps coming
something in my way
bergamot scented
damn hard place

does it matter?

"the 't' is silent"

i thought you were supposed to help me...?

propety

wait
not until you say the words
everything tells me
"let go"



no.

i can't
i won't


you mislead
just like her
never opening up

am i not worth it?


hardening
icing growing a flexed film
my soft inside
covering
before i close up
harden completely



miss you
kiss you


don't belong to you

i want to


stake your claim


please?


i want this
even though the ground is crumbling
foundation failing


i still have it
until you push...
"let go"

no title yet 4/15/09

questions
questions
demand
questions


what if i am...?

can i change it?

i love you
i do mean it


your lips



or no one's


afraid


but i want to know


toy?
experiment?

am i...?



don't say it.
you won't mean it.
don't lie.
please...


i love you.


just let me say it


i do



...experiment?

i'm scared


don't hurt
please don't

don't lie
just tell me

you don't love me


pet?
toy?
your project?
troubled stepping stone?
experiment?



everything?

nothing

...something?


just a stepping stone?

take this gun
it's loaded
pull the trigger
make me stop
i can't stand this
aching and hurting
everyday i think
nothing i do is ever helping
all i do is keep crying
all i want is you to keep wanting

untitled for now

clawing a way under
in the skin
flesh and muscle
feast on everything
living off another
wants to needs
need this
need that
parasitism
keeping close
needing it
get the match
nail polish
before illness comes
rid self of the tick

switched out
pull back hard as possible
gags and coughs
around the neck isn't the leash
'twas a noose
they switched
no lasso to be easily undone
no chain to corrode
a simple rope

escort to the bed
anything to burn the thoughts out
ignore the dead
forget they happened
anything to feel good
to forget
make the ride fun
a new high
reach the level
everything is gone
only the pleasure
escort or drug
suspend high in the air

tick, parasite
rid of the need
ignore guilt
hang 'em high
over the town
escort to the top
scapegoat the tick,
animal, whore, and parasite
leading false paths to this frown

go to the pet store.

a broken monument

boulder
chiseled from stone
motionless
constant expression
fear and tears
nightly routine
fingertips
palms
the only things holding the head up
structured
stone cold
still life
it rains every night

shined once
was whole once
everyday fucks everything over
slowly getting older
each night getting colder
everyday getting warmer
contrast leads to crumbling
breaking down and dying
every grain of sand and gravel
pieces seen on walkways of pebble

rain to cleanse
nightly chore
habitual routines
nature works until she's sore
each finger
all the joints formed to fit
cradling the face
only things holding my head up

keep the knife and my leash

angered words
say what you must
get it all out
please
please hurt me
i'm left open like this
so stab me
just hurt me
but not like this
stab and twist
don't walk away and leave
do something physical
something i can point to and say
"this was from her because i wasn't the best"
physically missing things just won't do
smack me
slap me
even when you know you have my attention
whatever helps you feel better
without leaving me be
for forever
while i still stay caught in this tension
my muscles are flexed
everything is tight
if i flinch the slightest
you'll think i'm too weak for a fight
i'm prepared for one
if that's what is needed
just tell me now you might want me
even though i'll be defeated

even if my throat is tight all the time
or my eyes well up
i'll pretend i'm fine
whatever you want
whatever you'd like
in a second's notice i'll try to bring you that life.

made a mess

i keep biting
holding back this moaning
you keep playing
doing as you please
indulging my craving
scratches on my body
bite marks present
my back arching
panting continuing
this the reaction you wanted?

my breathing getting heavy
mouth dry and voice raspy
whimpers will have to suffice
my face ensconced in your blankets and pillow
muffle the sounds i continue to make
turn up the music
turn up the heat
biting again?
you'll never know how good that feels
pushing for more
lusting to give you a tour

clean up on aisle 8
light headed again?
hair askew
all the work of you
playing with your toy

shirt off
not that hard of a job
bite anywhere
kisses to licks
soon i'll be nothing more
than a moaning mess
flexing muscles
tensed fists
jaw locked
eyes squeezed tight
lip bitten
your mouth venturing
serious clean up on aisle 8

...

tear me apart
limb from limb
jig saw puzzle
this arm here or there?
throw away this piece
keep it?

pack rat
keep everything
might come in handy
might be needed
keep just in case

don't change everything
keep the head on the shoulders
the pinkies stay the way they are
work out the cramps and pains
pop the joints
take apart the puzzle
rearrange everything

stich up the seams
fix me as you please
make me your's
personalized
all for you
engraved and branded
tagged and shackled
make me exclusively your's

chain me to you
the home i want

keep a chain on the locket

just like every other time
relocated
new area
yanked out into another life

i stop
pick up all the pieces
i promise you
i told you i'd stick through this
i'd find everything
and even if i didn't find anything
i'd give you all i have
sacrificial
anything to see that smile
see you love another
comfort you if you wanted
drop out of your life if you needed
anything for you

shattered heart
scattered pieces
i'll find every damn one of them,
so what if it's not easy
lost all of them?
they ventured off?
take mine quickly
before everything dies and leaves you with nothing
let it warm you up
inside to outward

if i could take back every kiss
knowing my life would soon lead to this
i'd still kiss you everytime i did
give you everything i have
knowing you'd smile in the end

you say "everything"
it brings tears to my eyes
i can't let this happen
but my will means nothing
no matter how hard i cry
they don't understand
how could they?
the on and off wanting
needing
of 2 and a half damn years
to them is confusing
but honestly,
i've begun to not care the slightest about
the thoughts that belong to them

i wouldn't dare put you through this torment again
not lured away
not wandering off
a leash, connected to this collar on my neck,
is pulled taught
this isn't my doing
they can drag me away kicking and screaming
because it kills me knowing this happens
once i've become your "everything".

titles are important

twisted game
i didn't pull you in
you walked
now i grab at your hand
and you just strut away

possibly you didn't catch on
possibly i make no sense
i rolled over
i let you in
even after this all began to happen
and this is my payment?

prove me wrong
prove society right
they can't be friends
they can't get along after this all ends
say it meant everything
say it changed you
made you who you are
and you just run back to who you were
that comfort zone i wasn't at

sick of this shit
i gave you every story
all my defences down
all my weaknesses visible for you
even after it was done
and this is what you give me back

my slashes at your weaknesses weren't intentional
so much for people being fair in this world we live in

flop, turn, then the river

again
i find myself putting in my all
give it all up
gambling.
i know,
terrible habit
just finding happiness
that's the point in life.

i'll throw it all on the table
play the hand i'm delt
suck it up and bite my lip

yea, my poker face is poor
i need to work on it
do i have anything worth betting on?
of course not
why do i go all in?
because i want a bite.
i want to know if any of what i have,
any of what i put in the pot,
is what you want.
sick game?
of course
but what have you got to lose?

i'll be the one left without my heart in the end.

held it up
point blank
waiting until i saw it
i avoided it all
stepped closer
ignoring pistol in hand
finger on trigger
i pushed it.

smoldering

they're warm
not melting
no icy blue

melting and evaporating
becoming silver and vapory
metal and dripping
liquid fire sticking and burning
soul softly screaming
no

just warm
no comparison for you
no sweet ballad written for them
look my way
make me safe
wrap me in velvet

warm my cold blooded heart
make my blood warm
luke warm
a safe temperature
a comfort
just warm

that's what they are
warm for--
comfort to--
safety.

draw me in
they always do
velvet ropes wrapped around me
keep bringing me closer
soon i'll melt
but still comfortable
can't leave
i feel too safe.