oct. 25

whenever i read something you say that makes me feel like shit for hurting you,
i want to talk to someone...
anyone,
about just anything in the world.
i feel like all i ever do is breed hate
discontent
with everyone around me.
i'm making people feel uneasy
and worrying them.
i'm making myself paranoid all over again.
for some reason i remember out of nowhere
that i cave under attention.
suffocate with pressure
i feel like this is all just another addiction
another empty hole inside looking for filling
stress the press for the story within
i'll try to hide it even from them
ever wish it would end?
all feelings cease
be left alone with nothing
no emotions to believe?
nothing to go on
no gut feeling.
i wish i lost it
had no thought process
didn't have to ponder what my emotions commanded me do as a backlash
a result to something i did in my past
"it's obvious someone has hurt you bad"
i was the one hurting them
i was the one feeling the pain they had
i am the one causing it all to continue
but if i change one thing
give it up as a sacrificial tribute
how would things change
the towers will fall at my feet in the end
in one way or another i'll be alone
disbanded from the world others exsisted in with me
but don't i look out for all i can
then think about me?
don't i usually leave myself last
pass out everything else i can
all attention and devotion to those who deserve it
to let myself have the scraps in the end?
did i abandon myself to this land of stray dogs?
to look out for others i let myself fall
did i hold them up so long
that i forgot i'd be left behind?
i can climb out on my own
i've dug this grave with no shovel and no help
shouldn't i be able to get out?