just a drug
just like them
that drug you think only does good
that drug you can't let go of
that drug drives you mad
addiction to the pain
the danger
the adrenaline rush you always feel
that the drug envokes in your core
bubbles and boils over
seeping out into every fiber of your being
a craving you'd die for
you feel its dagger claws deep in your skin
still you can't help but want it more
you risk so much
its back is just turned on you
slammed door in your face
turning around just as you get into view
headphone is and drowing out the world
you'll never get your voice heard.

i'd kill for a glance
make this go away
i don't like these thoughts
swarming bees fucking with my brain
jittery and shocked out of fear
quivering voice and sweating palms
end this all
make me quit
i don't want this
i'll throw that mirror
so get it out of my face
i can't stand to look
see myself
why do i expect you to stand me?
i'd press that blade to my arm
but then remember that scent
fucking thing is rusty
old habits
gone
i promise
check my wrists and see no faint lines
not the slightest cut
but that's not my only motive to release this all
push you away
torture myself
see everyone with smiles so big and shiny
know i didn't cause it
i should give up
no more giving a shit
last time i will only think "just fuck it"

my hand's not broken
it's only throbbing
you made my heart beat too fast for it to control itself
my fist is just red from some crazy thing
making my heart beat
racing faster
blood stopping still
collecting in my hand
warming it so my touch won't remind you of death.

capricous

spinning
one turns
try to run
easier said than done
rub the bottle
appear dear genie
save one from this doom one is seeing

this face of fear
see how it never fades
leaving its imprint on the face
beg again for it all to be gone
fuck the pain away
make it all die
push hard
push fast
snap
break through
watch the withered host turn to dust
blow in the wind
hear it cry
tears slowly drip
fall from the sky
make it end
make it fast
force it out to make it back
return again
back in black
shead everything of worth
pelt lying lifeless
choked up
need saving
hold out for a hero
damsel in distress
flailing arms
petrified cries

pull close

pull slow

finally seeing

one has retired for said night
peak a boo
try to find one
the intentions being true
remove the mask
the helmet and visor
see no fearful face
turn to a mirror
catch that glimpse
notice why one was

abandoning power
strength of the hour
pain from holding on
tears in eyes
soul softly dies
turning to flee
spinning

tantalization

a taunting craving
chanting never ending
replay recordings
refresh the page
remind me of her
too much of her
so much of her
can't handle the taste coming back
looking for dangerous
searching for clues
hunting it down
hounding out the truth
who cares if i don't want to find out
who cares if i beg for it to stay hidden
pull you closer
stalking after
catching your scent
keep coming closer
instinct kicking in
craving taking over
impulse making moves to put us on the same level
i thought i erased this
burnt it from within
expelled all thought
of touching your soft skin
as cliche as it sounds
you smell of home
my only real comfort zone
what i'd give for you to touch me once
to feel the electicity
act on a feeling maybe?
if you could only sence how my breath catches

oct. 25

whenever i read something you say that makes me feel like shit for hurting you,
i want to talk to someone...
anyone,
about just anything in the world.
i feel like all i ever do is breed hate
discontent
with everyone around me.
i'm making people feel uneasy
and worrying them.
i'm making myself paranoid all over again.
for some reason i remember out of nowhere
that i cave under attention.
suffocate with pressure
i feel like this is all just another addiction
another empty hole inside looking for filling
stress the press for the story within
i'll try to hide it even from them
ever wish it would end?
all feelings cease
be left alone with nothing
no emotions to believe?
nothing to go on
no gut feeling.
i wish i lost it
had no thought process
didn't have to ponder what my emotions commanded me do as a backlash
a result to something i did in my past
"it's obvious someone has hurt you bad"
i was the one hurting them
i was the one feeling the pain they had
i am the one causing it all to continue
but if i change one thing
give it up as a sacrificial tribute
how would things change
the towers will fall at my feet in the end
in one way or another i'll be alone
disbanded from the world others exsisted in with me
but don't i look out for all i can
then think about me?
don't i usually leave myself last
pass out everything else i can
all attention and devotion to those who deserve it
to let myself have the scraps in the end?
did i abandon myself to this land of stray dogs?
to look out for others i let myself fall
did i hold them up so long
that i forgot i'd be left behind?
i can climb out on my own
i've dug this grave with no shovel and no help
shouldn't i be able to get out?