jumping around landmines

i remember
i still have them
they're locked in there

spring cleaning
well, technically summer cleaning
take the box of paper
set it out for recycle
get rid of it
but it's not trash

see the days
i grab them
violently throwing them
my anger pressured on to them
throwing them in a trash bag
rain come and put out the flames
i gather them all
organize them
leave 2 aside, on the top of them all
they made me smile

the light danced in them
you thought they were bland
they looked so beautiful
different shades
so deep
then the one day
i swear my heart was going insane
my throat hurt
i held them back
you were trying to
"i'd hold you if you'd like me to"
if you'd want me to
if you'd let me
i'll walk if i have to

everything
"you can have mine..."

i'm still paying for this
every thought that finds its way through
makes it safely to the other side
rubs it in
"...because i know you care"

it's nothing i should worry about
nothing to do with me
shouldn't be worrying
even if i want to be a part of everything

what i would have done
i wasn't there
damn coffee shop
damn school
they burned me
let go
melted into the alternate reality
"i'd keep them warm if you wanted"
if you'd let me

something
can't be back here
has to leave
it was so calm
until the storm came and ruined the night
the winds blew
the cowards hid in fear,
yet still made noise
damn pests
"here, meant to give it to you earlier...later"

socially awkward mess
cute?
they said that?
maybe i'm not a complete failure

"give her this"
didn't sleep
not long
not well
kept crying
pathetic whorish toy
time was wasted,
lost
"i'd lay down and die...if you'd let me"

nothing.

-_-

liquid smoke
taste it
can't place it


too lost
dazed
everything is hazy


motive
what is my motive?

feel good
come up
go down?
need that rise



toy
not a stepping stone
those have a purpose

here for fun
kick me out
drop me in the world
drunk and stoned
sounds like fun
something to burn this out
i can't keep saying it
"i'm sorry hun."
biting my tongue
escort?
i need one


...maybe 2
something to play with
something to do
distract me
drawn away
lure me

where's that leash?
i can't find it


...is she still holding it?




is she here...?



damn this smoke.