annoying movie 2/23/08

A movie.
I recorded it so long ago,
and it has become my obsession.
I only recorded the first 2 years of it.
I’m always left at a cliff hanger.
Stuck in a cycle of rewinding, and playing the same movie.
Watching the main character
connecting with her,
reading her every thought,
following her.
Every time I rewatch a single part,
I notice something new,
something different.
See the new sudden twinkle in her eye,
the one when she walks closer to that person one more time.
Hear the sharp pain in her voice
when she talks to the other person, the one with the green eyes,
about the lover she was left for.
Deep down feel how it feels when she's been stabbed in the back
by the one with grey eyes,
taste the jealousy in her voice as she lashes out about it.
The movie always stays the same.

I always scream at my TV
for her to stop and run and hide from it all.
I always cringe
from watching the blade be drug across her arm.
I always cry when her crystal blue eyes well up and pool over with salty tears.
As sobs escape us both,
in unison,
my movie cuts off and I press rewind.
Start it all from the beginning one more time.
I’ll never finish this movie,
I’ll never know if it has a happy ending,
or if it ever ends at all,
but I’ll still watch it over and over.
Crying and screaming.
Hiding and cringing.
But still she always goes back to them.
Then and now,
you'll see her go right back, too afraid to let them go without one last try.

Never learning my lesson from her pain on screen,
the pain I share with her,
knowing there is nothing different in me and her.
Nothing between our bleeding hearts,
but only because,
they are the same.