tis a spell
tis only a damn spell.
so cruel and harsh
yet a sweet loving spell.
i think much too much.
look into stories for deeper meaning,
over-looking the troubles i ended up causing.
a whirl wind of tragedy
sweep through the town over night,
only i never saw it,
because my nature i'd fight.
born for the night,
to roam free and the abyss no one could see through,
slip under the radar,
sneak into a house,
merge.
fuse.
melt into it.
i suddenly lived for the day.
that light caught me off guard,
it was more beautiful than i had been told.
drawn to the sun.
lured by a glance.
breath taking,
word bumbling.
a bright fiery hell
i had never once before sought.
this disposition put my life on the line.
the seconds i could be alone with the sun,
felt so perfect.
warming and calm.
loving, and sweet.
yet still so strong.
a potent dose,
left me still in awe.
a memory foam matress.
you pressed yourself so close,
and i pressed back.
absorbing every part of you i could.
everytime you'd leave,
i'd still feel you pressed to me.
slowly pulling away.
never wanting to leave.
but just
pulling away.
everytime you've said it,
i wouldn't let it sink in.
i turned to rock to drown it out.
i bite my lip everytime i feel someone near by.
i cringe at your name.
remembering these fresh pains.
this last time
i just couldn't take it.
the water running over me still affected me.
the other rocks hitting me beat away at me slowly.
once again,
i find my sleeping out of control.
i still wake for the sun in the morning.
my nature is trying to be in control again,
sleep in the day,
be complacent in your presence.
no cares in the world,
just to slip through the abyss of night.
snipishly rejected,
a mourning growl of anguish.
i can't let go,
and my nature wants control.
i have no reason to be awake this much.
running in circles trying to find something to do,
anything.
occupy my time with their issues,
work my mind into a frenzied death,
no piece of mind or heart,
ever again to be left.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
animal intent 2/6/08
daylight ebbs and vanishes before the blink of an eye,
the nature of my being longs to get up and be alive.
the moon beckons me,
calls to me, sweetly.
a worried voice trying to lure me.
the sun kept me awake all day against my nature's will.
the moon tugs at my tail,
the sun leaves memories, imprints, on my fur
as she strokes my muzzle in a lasting goodbye.
a dire fight, struggle, to gain control of me.
the moon wishes, my nature wills me, fight to stay awake.
give up on the sun's waking spell,
fall victim and stay awake
for the one who has always been there for you.
the nature of my being longs to get up and be alive.
the moon beckons me,
calls to me, sweetly.
a worried voice trying to lure me.
the sun kept me awake all day against my nature's will.
the moon tugs at my tail,
the sun leaves memories, imprints, on my fur
as she strokes my muzzle in a lasting goodbye.
a dire fight, struggle, to gain control of me.
the moon wishes, my nature wills me, fight to stay awake.
give up on the sun's waking spell,
fall victim and stay awake
for the one who has always been there for you.
gets you nowhere 4/18/08
thinking burying everything
might save some sanity
might protect your dignity
cover the mistake before it's caught
before it's seen by taunting eyes
picking apart your life
shreading open cuts and making them deeper
infecting them with poison kisses
saying it's to make them better
but we all know
it's just to sabatoge the healing process
to demolish the immunity you built up
to yell and spit in your face like angry bosses
exploit your life to all
showcase your emotions to any who pass
putting your pain on a pike
flaunting them around for all to spit on you
to kick dirt in your eyes.
you thought burying it was admirable
saw it as a strong respondsible thing to do
honored for the pain you ignored
teasing jokes spewed in your delicate ears
angered words of loathing of the breath leaving your lips
your demise written in your blood
none of it can be buried
no shreads of your dignity
no fragments of your sanity
will be left in your grasp.
see their faces blazing red fiery fury.
see how it leaves you defenceless to the judgemental jury.
feel the heat in their spit-fire words burning your skin.
feel all life drain from within.
taste an overpowering copper ness in the air from the blood they made you shead.
taste just how much you on depend the assuring stability in the words she said.
hear taunts and remarks bring the tears of truth to your eyes, said to be soul less.
hear the wheels of fear turning in your mind twice as fast.
smell moist graveyard dirt as you place yourself in the earth to hide from it all once again.
smell the strong scent of fear emerging, just like how it is to once again, begin.
might save some sanity
might protect your dignity
cover the mistake before it's caught
before it's seen by taunting eyes
picking apart your life
shreading open cuts and making them deeper
infecting them with poison kisses
saying it's to make them better
but we all know
it's just to sabatoge the healing process
to demolish the immunity you built up
to yell and spit in your face like angry bosses
exploit your life to all
showcase your emotions to any who pass
putting your pain on a pike
flaunting them around for all to spit on you
to kick dirt in your eyes.
you thought burying it was admirable
saw it as a strong respondsible thing to do
honored for the pain you ignored
teasing jokes spewed in your delicate ears
angered words of loathing of the breath leaving your lips
your demise written in your blood
none of it can be buried
no shreads of your dignity
no fragments of your sanity
will be left in your grasp.
see their faces blazing red fiery fury.
see how it leaves you defenceless to the judgemental jury.
feel the heat in their spit-fire words burning your skin.
feel all life drain from within.
taste an overpowering copper ness in the air from the blood they made you shead.
taste just how much you on depend the assuring stability in the words she said.
hear taunts and remarks bring the tears of truth to your eyes, said to be soul less.
hear the wheels of fear turning in your mind twice as fast.
smell moist graveyard dirt as you place yourself in the earth to hide from it all once again.
smell the strong scent of fear emerging, just like how it is to once again, begin.
4/21/08
theory
after theory
after damnedable theory.
just excuses to my flaws
reasons to not hate me
attempting to find reasons to take back words of anger and hate
resentment of an uncountable degree.
hiding behind masks of false collectivity
siding with one person just to hide the undying anger bubbling inside.
chew chew swallow
forget you ever ate my dignity
come back with an empty stomach
begging for more
craving a new story after story
more theories to not call me a whore.
in the end
statistics don't matter
just the amount of fuck ups that appear.
after theory
after damnedable theory.
just excuses to my flaws
reasons to not hate me
attempting to find reasons to take back words of anger and hate
resentment of an uncountable degree.
hiding behind masks of false collectivity
siding with one person just to hide the undying anger bubbling inside.
chew chew swallow
forget you ever ate my dignity
come back with an empty stomach
begging for more
craving a new story after story
more theories to not call me a whore.
in the end
statistics don't matter
just the amount of fuck ups that appear.
4/27/08
deadly assassin of composured
ragging me down
below dirt and soil
earth worms skull fucking the dead
rubbing in the diseased infections into the injuries
making it all worse when someone looks up and finally sees
witnessing the pain and droned faces plastered on
doing nothing for the mind controled
walking away as if nothing important stopped them dead in their tracks
decaying faces slowly washing away with the dirt on the road
rain to clense this wretched world
this "humble abode"
gravity of a sort pulls this dimise closer and closer
soon it will indefinately take over
giving in to the comfort of the dirt and soil
trying to escape this home
this place of which we constantly toil.
ragging me down
below dirt and soil
earth worms skull fucking the dead
rubbing in the diseased infections into the injuries
making it all worse when someone looks up and finally sees
witnessing the pain and droned faces plastered on
doing nothing for the mind controled
walking away as if nothing important stopped them dead in their tracks
decaying faces slowly washing away with the dirt on the road
rain to clense this wretched world
this "humble abode"
gravity of a sort pulls this dimise closer and closer
soon it will indefinately take over
giving in to the comfort of the dirt and soil
trying to escape this home
this place of which we constantly toil.
it all will repeat 2/22/08
Twists and turns
a spinning cyclone.
A jumbled mess.
Quick,
find the pattern.
No I’m not too crazy to spot this alone,
the other half of me helped,
so throw me a bone.
We spittingly argued over which way in read it
upside down?
Or through the eyes on an outsider
and see nothing.
From a distance,
oh from afar?
I think I’ll still see this pattern with its taunting glare
standing out from the rest once it's been spotted
highlighted in red
blood red blotted.
Sick memories burnt into my arms
carved into my back
holding down my feet
to make me breathe in,
absorb,
the pattern's disturbing delight.
Raccoons try to disappear from it
but this one just cannot hide,
one stupid old raccoon
will stay until it dies.
Allowing this pattern to be imprinted on my skin,
I’ll hold real still,
for a quick thrill,
to see this "forever and ever"
again.
a spinning cyclone.
A jumbled mess.
Quick,
find the pattern.
No I’m not too crazy to spot this alone,
the other half of me helped,
so throw me a bone.
We spittingly argued over which way in read it
upside down?
Or through the eyes on an outsider
and see nothing.
From a distance,
oh from afar?
I think I’ll still see this pattern with its taunting glare
standing out from the rest once it's been spotted
highlighted in red
blood red blotted.
Sick memories burnt into my arms
carved into my back
holding down my feet
to make me breathe in,
absorb,
the pattern's disturbing delight.
Raccoons try to disappear from it
but this one just cannot hide,
one stupid old raccoon
will stay until it dies.
Allowing this pattern to be imprinted on my skin,
I’ll hold real still,
for a quick thrill,
to see this "forever and ever"
again.
annoying movie 2/23/08
A movie.
I recorded it so long ago,
and it has become my obsession.
I only recorded the first 2 years of it.
I’m always left at a cliff hanger.
Stuck in a cycle of rewinding, and playing the same movie.
Watching the main character
connecting with her,
reading her every thought,
following her.
Every time I rewatch a single part,
I notice something new,
something different.
See the new sudden twinkle in her eye,
the one when she walks closer to that person one more time.
Hear the sharp pain in her voice
when she talks to the other person, the one with the green eyes,
about the lover she was left for.
Deep down feel how it feels when she's been stabbed in the back
by the one with grey eyes,
taste the jealousy in her voice as she lashes out about it.
The movie always stays the same.
I always scream at my TV
for her to stop and run and hide from it all.
I always cringe
from watching the blade be drug across her arm.
I always cry when her crystal blue eyes well up and pool over with salty tears.
As sobs escape us both,
in unison,
my movie cuts off and I press rewind.
Start it all from the beginning one more time.
I’ll never finish this movie,
I’ll never know if it has a happy ending,
or if it ever ends at all,
but I’ll still watch it over and over.
Crying and screaming.
Hiding and cringing.
But still she always goes back to them.
Then and now,
you'll see her go right back, too afraid to let them go without one last try.
Never learning my lesson from her pain on screen,
the pain I share with her,
knowing there is nothing different in me and her.
Nothing between our bleeding hearts,
but only because,
they are the same.
I recorded it so long ago,
and it has become my obsession.
I only recorded the first 2 years of it.
I’m always left at a cliff hanger.
Stuck in a cycle of rewinding, and playing the same movie.
Watching the main character
connecting with her,
reading her every thought,
following her.
Every time I rewatch a single part,
I notice something new,
something different.
See the new sudden twinkle in her eye,
the one when she walks closer to that person one more time.
Hear the sharp pain in her voice
when she talks to the other person, the one with the green eyes,
about the lover she was left for.
Deep down feel how it feels when she's been stabbed in the back
by the one with grey eyes,
taste the jealousy in her voice as she lashes out about it.
The movie always stays the same.
I always scream at my TV
for her to stop and run and hide from it all.
I always cringe
from watching the blade be drug across her arm.
I always cry when her crystal blue eyes well up and pool over with salty tears.
As sobs escape us both,
in unison,
my movie cuts off and I press rewind.
Start it all from the beginning one more time.
I’ll never finish this movie,
I’ll never know if it has a happy ending,
or if it ever ends at all,
but I’ll still watch it over and over.
Crying and screaming.
Hiding and cringing.
But still she always goes back to them.
Then and now,
you'll see her go right back, too afraid to let them go without one last try.
Never learning my lesson from her pain on screen,
the pain I share with her,
knowing there is nothing different in me and her.
Nothing between our bleeding hearts,
but only because,
they are the same.
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