can only be a raccoon

don't you just hate the pressure
pressing down on you?
that constant feeling like someone is trying to crush you
squish you like a bug under their shoe
spread your guts all over the concrete
leaving you there for your final resting place
ignoring you until that burial date.

i have no wings
no fingers to use for climbing
i'm stuck on the side of this damn boulder yet again
i always am
don't you ever understand?
i keep hearing "i've been in your shoes"
yet no one can tell me what to try
what to do
so i dance in circles
stuck in a sick twisted daze
i feel as though the pressure and dizzy fuzzy haze is going to make me hurl
passout in exhaustion from fighting it for so long
i feel like shit
i fear it's my fault again
i could swear you lied to me
just to keep me safe
protect me.
you have wings
ability to flyand feel no pressure
no emotions grab you
drag you down
your wings aren't clipped
dammit i'm growing tired of this gravity pressuring shit
pulling me so damn close to you
feeling your love and passion smoldering by my side
right in my peripheral veiw
i want to cry outburst into tears
put out the flames of you
i don't want to feel them there
see your eyes in my mind when i close mine
they don't help the situation
they don't release me from this pressuring hell
they captivate me in a swirling mistake
suck me into a riptide
one i'm stuck in
for i have no fins.
you are both
you can escape this deadly pressure and whirling disaster
leaving the raccoon behind
but is it for the raccoon to become stronger
or keep depending on you to come save her...?

rewrite history

i tried to leave
escape myself in a turn of tragic events
run away from the me i feared and loathed.

it didn't work.
or course it wouldn't
of course you'd pull me back
you'd look in my eyes
pull out strands of reality before i pulled away.
i wanted to forget
erase myself from the book of truths
rewrite myself in lies
leave me a static character
no change
no difference in the end of the story.
i wanted you to help lead me out of here
this banishment camp i was sentenced to just for being me.

you were saving me dammit
you were loving me dipshit
i was leaving myself behind to be with you
i was changing myself to i liar for you
i wanted you happy
i wanted to make you smile without you seeing the bad in my eyes
the diaster waiting to happen
the tragedy begining to unfold on your plate.
you didn't understand it all
my eyes told you everything you wanted to know
and you couldn't understand it?
spelled out for you in plain english
and how can you not get it?

i tried to run
like peter pan's shadow i tried to be free
myself
my own being
but she looked in my eyes after you and pulled me back.
reuniting me with myself once again
thinking she saved me from falling apart
thinking she pulled me back together again
but now i have a body attached to me
now i'm no longer free.

she told you what she saw
she squealed my scerets to life in my world
how to get there
how to live there
how comfortable it is there
how much i lie there
who i really am while i'm there
who i am not when i'm here.

you stapled me to myself
you got a good look at who i am
you hate it
i wanted you happy
here you are angry
looking at me
seeing i'm not who you thought i was before
seeing why i ran so fast from being a damn whore
escaping me
so i thought
until it caught up
tackled me
and now here i am
no longer with the will i used when i fought

a confession of my attempt to escape
to run
hide in the snow
burying my face in it
rubbing my nose in it
you want to smack the omega once you find me
drag me back to the pack for them to abuse me
does it matter if i deserve it?
not in your eyes
not in there's
the lower than dirt omega is your toy to play with.

just please don't wonder why i try to escape.

in my prints i try to leave behind

run
scurry
flee
escape.
i want to pull away.
disconnect from you.
it's probably better that way.
it's probably smarter that way.
you're the reason i'm held
bound
to this damn pack.
a blood trait that keeps me held so close
a bond never to be severed
with a twinge of pain in every glance or look,
shock treatment therapy
sending electrodes pulsing through my veins
throbbing in my ears
a message constantly repeating
a lesson i'll never be learning
a whispery voice
droning on quietly,
run
scurry
flee
escape
don't stop till you're too drained to hesitate.
i want so badly to pull away from you,
but inevitably, while i run and look over my shoulder
thinking i hear a sound,
your paws will be following me
with your whispery voice on the nape of my neck
run
scurry
flee
escape.

feeling a pain
a knife in my back
not from her words
but from your actions of thrusting that rusty blade to the hilt
in my flesh and muscle
you seem to posess a smile of pride and mockery on your face
i feel so damn light headed i can't force my eyes to see straight

i was your pet,
you held yarn in front of my face and i scrambled for the end,
you tickled behind my fluffy ears
just to gain my trust,
slowly rubbed my stomach for just a little more dependability on top,
then as i was purring away
still caught in a daze,
and you attacked when you saw the chance
showing no sign of remorse.