pinned down

2010-01-04T19:30:00.002-05:00

teetering

would think a cougar should have great balance
clawing the rock
holding on for dear life

everything bearing down
stomach queasey
muscles tiring
just a few more months
a few more months 'til freedom
till procrastination
no struggle for relaxation

there below me
waiting
promising
to be in those arms
to feel safe
comfortable

almost
oh so tempting
maybe i'll slip
jump
gently caught
stunned by the landing
the startling catch

scared of crushing
pressuring
hurting
dropping this hassel
fallen on the poor snow leopard
all my troubles
everything crashing down

claws out

2009-09-22T21:12:00.002-04:00

paternal
protective
my home
my family
they aren't mine
but i'll take them in
contain them
blockade

parasite,
pathetic bug
taunting dirt
sitting out front
tempting my family
you filth
i'd push you off
blow you away
if it'd do a damn bit of good
keep you away

the sight of you

skin crawls

tremors

i bite my tongue

turfs of fur
all on end

tail flipping

ears back

i'd rip you apart if it weren't for them

if i weren't trying to set a mold

rotting fruit of the past

2009-08-22T20:40:00.004-04:00

it leaves a bad taste
chewing it up
spitting it out
try to take it
swallow it down
understand it

but i just
can't stomach it
repulsive
this taste is familiar
so similar

just as disgusting

the stench
it prevents me from trying
it reminds me
sickens me
disturbs me

it floats
this aroma
it comes off
punches my senses
knocks me on my ass
suffocates
gagging for some fresh scent
something clean
anything but this

at the enterence
opening statement
say a damn thing
acid builds
making me sick

it's so damn foul

a goose of hypocrisy

2009-08-06T16:31:00.002-04:00

here i thought i was sick
obsessed
so deeply hurt

get over it
grow up
if so much pain collects in the pond
fly your ass away
gunshots don't fucking spook you
everything we try
you just won't leave this behind

awkward goose
go away
you crane your neck
force it
make yourself look down on everyone
look away from yourself
just to ignore your wings
snobbish doesn't look well on you

you flare out those wings
scare us out of pain
yet you can't stop
and use your wings
for yourself

if goose were on the menu
if i could share the delight with my girl
if you'd run and give us a challenge
we'd hunt you down
wring that scrawy neck to slience the complaints

it's not your season
fly
lift yourself above this
don't look above it
don't wish to be above it
just do it

started with a joke

2009-07-27T20:04:00.002-04:00

your name
it sends me into a fit of smiles
does the body really use less energy

to smile?

you make me believe it
you make me think everything is fine
so comfortable
no need to stress

you're working wonders
those fingers
kneading the aches and sores away
with all the lotion
everything slides right off my back
no cares in the world

again with the drugs
a painkiller.
that, my dear, is what you are

everything is calm
the storm approaches
august comes
and soon september
i think
i'll run to you
hide in your shack with a roof
please stay with me
don't worry about hunting for food
just make me warm and calm
and massage this stress away

jumping around landmines

2009-06-30T12:54:00.002-04:00

i remember
i still have them
they're locked in there

spring cleaning
well, technically summer cleaning
take the box of paper
set it out for recycle
get rid of it
but it's not trash

see the days
i grab them
violently throwing them
my anger pressured on to them
throwing them in a trash bag
rain come and put out the flames
i gather them all
organize them
leave 2 aside, on the top of them all
they made me smile

the light danced in them
you thought they were bland
they looked so beautiful
different shades
so deep
then the one day
i swear my heart was going insane
my throat hurt
i held them back
you were trying to
"i'd hold you if you'd like me to"
if you'd want me to
if you'd let me
i'll walk if i have to

everything
"you can have mine..."

i'm still paying for this
every thought that finds its way through
makes it safely to the other side
rubs it in
"...because i know you care"

it's nothing i should worry about
nothing to do with me
shouldn't be worrying
even if i want to be a part of everything

what i would have done
i wasn't there
damn coffee shop
damn school
they burned me
let go
melted into the alternate reality
"i'd keep them warm if you wanted"
if you'd let me

something
can't be back here
has to leave
it was so calm
until the storm came and ruined the night
the winds blew
the cowards hid in fear,
yet still made noise
damn pests
"here, meant to give it to you earlier...later"

socially awkward mess
cute?
they said that?
maybe i'm not a complete failure

"give her this"
didn't sleep
not long
not well
kept crying
pathetic whorish toy
time was wasted,
lost
"i'd lay down and die...if you'd let me"

nothing.

-_-

2009-06-07T10:52:00.002-04:00

liquid smoke
taste it
can't place it

too lost
dazed
everything is hazy

motive
what is my motive?

feel good
come up
go down?
need that rise

toy
not a stepping stone
those have a purpose

here for fun
kick me out
drop me in the world
drunk and stoned
sounds like fun
something to burn this out
i can't keep saying it
"i'm sorry hun."
biting my tongue
escort?
i need one

...maybe 2
something to play with
something to do
distract me
drawn away
lure me

where's that leash?
i can't find it

...is she still holding it?

is she here...?

damn this smoke.

2009-05-20T20:11:00.002-04:00

held under

lungs about to burst
why does this hurt?
my throat burns
nose yearns
i need to--
but you hold me here
should have gotten a deeper breath
should have known
listened
"not for a while"
hold you to it
in one ear
out the other
you hold me here
the reef i hug
cling to
you never said it
so here i wait
wait and wait
i'm crying
can't tell can you?
i know
the stripes hide it
can't see a tear when it's there
right before your eyes
it looks like a stripe
are you keeping time?
it's been a while
still here i am
clutching to the coral
in the way of a choice?
reminding you
without using my voice
another bubble to catch your attention
shouldn't let out more
your patience is wearing thin
my lungs are about to give in
i keep on wondering when...
is it a test or are you lost from the confusing directions?

that's stealing

2009-05-20T17:33:00.004-04:00

like a bubble of acid
i spew
it won't go away
forms again and again
i want to scream
only tears come
it hurts too damn much
the i.v.
what has he put in it?
why?
i feel insane
driven up a wall
abandoned in a hospital
acid again
tried everything
electroshock
hypnosis
nothing new
s.s.d.d.

why is a wall working against me?
the instructions said keep going
here i am
face first in this wall
acid keeps coming
something in my way
bergamot scented
damn hard place

does it matter?

"the 't' is silent"

i thought you were supposed to help me...?

propety

2009-05-20T16:52:00.002-04:00

wait
not until you say the words
everything tells me
"let go"

no.

i can't
i won't

you mislead
just like her
never opening up

am i not worth it?

hardening
icing growing a flexed film
my soft inside
covering
before i close up
harden completely

miss you
kiss you

don't belong to you

i want to

stake your claim

please?

i want this
even though the ground is crumbling
foundation failing

i still have it
until you push...
"let go"

no title yet 4/15/09

2009-05-19T16:23:00.002-04:00

questions
questions
demand
questions

what if i am...?

can i change it?

i love you
i do mean it

your lips

or no one's

afraid

but i want to know

toy?
experiment?

am i...?

don't say it.
you won't mean it.
don't lie.
please...

i love you.

just let me say it

i do

...experiment?

i'm scared

don't hurt
please don't

don't lie
just tell me

you don't love me

pet?
toy?
your project?
troubled stepping stone?
experiment?

everything?

nothing

...something?

just a stepping stone?

2009-05-13T20:26:00.002-04:00

take this gun
it's loaded
pull the trigger
make me stop
i can't stand this
aching and hurting
everyday i think
nothing i do is ever helping
all i do is keep crying
all i want is you to keep wanting

untitled for now

2009-05-09T13:00:00.001-04:00

clawing a way under
in the skin
flesh and muscle
feast on everything
living off another
wants to needs
need this
need that
parasitism
keeping close
needing it
get the match
nail polish
before illness comes
rid self of the tick

switched out
pull back hard as possible
gags and coughs
around the neck isn't the leash
'twas a noose
they switched
no lasso to be easily undone
no chain to corrode
a simple rope

escort to the bed
anything to burn the thoughts out
ignore the dead
forget they happened
anything to feel good
to forget
make the ride fun
a new high
reach the level
everything is gone
only the pleasure
escort or drug
suspend high in the air

tick, parasite
rid of the need
ignore guilt
hang 'em high
over the town
escort to the top
scapegoat the tick,
animal, whore, and parasite
leading false paths to this frown

go to the pet store.

a broken monument

2009-04-21T21:39:00.002-04:00

boulder
chiseled from stone
motionless
constant expression
fear and tears
nightly routine
fingertips
palms
the only things holding the head up
structured
stone cold
still life
it rains every night

shined once
was whole once
everyday fucks everything over
slowly getting older
each night getting colder
everyday getting warmer
contrast leads to crumbling
breaking down and dying
every grain of sand and gravel
pieces seen on walkways of pebble

rain to cleanse
nightly chore
habitual routines
nature works until she's sore
each finger
all the joints formed to fit
cradling the face
only things holding my head up

keep the knife and my leash

2009-04-04T22:26:00.003-04:00

angered words
say what you must
get it all out
please
please hurt me
i'm left open like this
so stab me
just hurt me
but not like this
stab and twist
don't walk away and leave
do something physical
something i can point to and say
"this was from her because i wasn't the best"
physically missing things just won't do
smack me
slap me
even when you know you have my attention
whatever helps you feel better
without leaving me be
for forever
while i still stay caught in this tension
my muscles are flexed
everything is tight
if i flinch the slightest
you'll think i'm too weak for a fight
i'm prepared for one
if that's what is needed
just tell me now you might want me
even though i'll be defeated

even if my throat is tight all the time
or my eyes well up
i'll pretend i'm fine
whatever you want
whatever you'd like
in a second's notice i'll try to bring you that life.

made a mess

2009-03-30T21:27:00.003-04:00

i keep biting
holding back this moaning
you keep playing
doing as you please
indulging my craving
scratches on my body
bite marks present
my back arching
panting continuing
this the reaction you wanted?

my breathing getting heavy
mouth dry and voice raspy
whimpers will have to suffice
my face ensconced in your blankets and pillow
muffle the sounds i continue to make
turn up the music
turn up the heat
biting again?
you'll never know how good that feels
pushing for more
lusting to give you a tour

clean up on aisle 8
light headed again?
hair askew
all the work of you
playing with your toy

shirt off
not that hard of a job
bite anywhere
kisses to licks
soon i'll be nothing more
than a moaning mess
flexing muscles
tensed fists
jaw locked
eyes squeezed tight
lip bitten
your mouth venturing
serious clean up on aisle 8

...

2009-03-19T22:13:00.004-04:00

tear me apart
limb from limb
jig saw puzzle
this arm here or there?
throw away this piece
keep it?

pack rat
keep everything
might come in handy
might be needed
keep just in case

don't change everything
keep the head on the shoulders
the pinkies stay the way they are
work out the cramps and pains
pop the joints
take apart the puzzle
rearrange everything

stich up the seams
fix me as you please
make me your's
personalized
all for you
engraved and branded
tagged and shackled
make me exclusively your's

chain me to you
the home i want

keep a chain on the locket

2009-02-20T19:23:00.003-05:00

just like every other time
relocated
new area
yanked out into another life

i stop
pick up all the pieces
i promise you
i told you i'd stick through this
i'd find everything
and even if i didn't find anything
i'd give you all i have
sacrificial
anything to see that smile
see you love another
comfort you if you wanted
drop out of your life if you needed
anything for you

shattered heart
scattered pieces
i'll find every damn one of them,
so what if it's not easy
lost all of them?
they ventured off?
take mine quickly
before everything dies and leaves you with nothing
let it warm you up
inside to outward

if i could take back every kiss
knowing my life would soon lead to this
i'd still kiss you everytime i did
give you everything i have
knowing you'd smile in the end

you say "everything"
it brings tears to my eyes
i can't let this happen
but my will means nothing
no matter how hard i cry
they don't understand
how could they?
the on and off wanting
needing
of 2 and a half damn years
to them is confusing
but honestly,
i've begun to not care the slightest about
the thoughts that belong to them

i wouldn't dare put you through this torment again
not lured away
not wandering off
a leash, connected to this collar on my neck,
is pulled taught
this isn't my doing
they can drag me away kicking and screaming
because it kills me knowing this happens
once i've become your "everything".

titles are important

2009-02-11T22:14:00.003-05:00

twisted game
i didn't pull you in
you walked
now i grab at your hand
and you just strut away

possibly you didn't catch on
possibly i make no sense
i rolled over
i let you in
even after this all began to happen
and this is my payment?

prove me wrong
prove society right
they can't be friends
they can't get along after this all ends
say it meant everything
say it changed you
made you who you are
and you just run back to who you were
that comfort zone i wasn't at

sick of this shit
i gave you every story
all my defences down
all my weaknesses visible for you
even after it was done
and this is what you give me back

my slashes at your weaknesses weren't intentional
so much for people being fair in this world we live in

flop, turn, then the river

2009-01-24T12:02:00.004-05:00

again
i find myself putting in my all
give it all up
gambling.
i know,
terrible habit
just finding happiness
that's the point in life.

i'll throw it all on the table
play the hand i'm delt
suck it up and bite my lip

yea, my poker face is poor
i need to work on it
do i have anything worth betting on?
of course not
why do i go all in?
because i want a bite.
i want to know if any of what i have,
any of what i put in the pot,
is what you want.
sick game?
of course
but what have you got to lose?

i'll be the one left without my heart in the end.

2009-01-18T21:18:00.001-05:00

held it up
point blank
waiting until i saw it
i avoided it all
stepped closer
ignoring pistol in hand
finger on trigger
i pushed it.

smoldering

2009-01-05T17:41:00.004-05:00

they're warm
not melting
no icy blue

melting and evaporating
becoming silver and vapory
metal and dripping
liquid fire sticking and burning
soul softly screaming
no

just warm
no comparison for you
no sweet ballad written for them
look my way
make me safe
wrap me in velvet

warm my cold blooded heart
make my blood warm
luke warm
a safe temperature
a comfort
just warm

that's what they are
warm for--
comfort to--
safety.

draw me in
they always do
velvet ropes wrapped around me
keep bringing me closer
soon i'll melt
but still comfortable
can't leave
i feel too safe.

just blink 3 times

2008-12-30T23:36:00.002-05:00

and this time
you poured the oil
stood below waiting
hoping
wanting me to slip.

before,
oh the times before,
i jumped
dove down
hoping you'd see me and catch me
save me from the pain i'd feel
the searing, eye watering, pain
frozen and alone
fired up from falling
trying to heal the cuts and pains
rid myself of them before anyone saw

still i found myself presistant
i jumped again
dove to the depths
i fell again
i was hurt again

this was so different
i was just happening by
finally getting away from this crowd who was suffocating me
just as they caught up with me
hounding out my trail
i fell
i slipped on the oil
falling down
spiralling to my 3rd painful death
the death i knew was coming
the death that would mark me finished with you completely
and suddenly i stopped falling
suddenly something caught me
suddenly all i could see was you and me
suddenly...
yes
it all happened so suddenly

misleading thoughts

2008-12-18T19:57:00.003-05:00

flamboyant rose
bright and attractive
delicate and sweet
do anything to touch it
feel the satin sheet sides
purfumed budd
taste the velvet
lick the petals
kiss it softly
pick the rose
so vibrant in color
craddle it in your gentle arms
hide it from the wind's violent curses
hold it close, just out of the the cold's chilling grip
shelid it from the spitting honesty the rain pours in its ears
the rose is your's to love and keep safe

suddenly you see vermilion fluid drip from your hand
all along, you aren't the one in control
it is not as it seems
the rose is the one who claims you

cowardice [written 12/1/08]

2008-12-08T10:10:00.005-05:00

lost souls to be found
secrets be told
dead men tells tales
creeps down your spine
shudder at the cold touch
breath on thr nape of your neck
squeeze eyes closed tight
rant
ramble
tell all in mumbles and shudders
squeaky voice trembling
too scared to let loose
the beast must be caged
keep the front up
follow the stereotype,
the preset,
piss off the tiger to hide the cub
cowering tail hidden
teeth beared and glistening
small one.
act tough.
just keep covering the truth up.
hide the weak
afraid to be vulnerable
lay on you side to remain in high defence,
hide it all
bury the weak
feel the cold touch
the secrets slipping through your lips
tales glide their dead cold hands down your back
ice skating in hell
squeeze your eyes closed
banish the thought
grind your teeth
hold back
feeling exhausted
can't keep it back
the secrets are slipping
tripping out
breaking free
see the tiger hurt in the end.
lost souls,
pulling you in, pealing themselves out.

2008-11-23T19:40:00.002-05:00

just a drug
just like them
that drug you think only does good
that drug you can't let go of
that drug drives you mad
addiction to the pain
the danger
the adrenaline rush you always feel
that the drug envokes in your core
bubbles and boils over
seeping out into every fiber of your being
a craving you'd die for
you feel its dagger claws deep in your skin
still you can't help but want it more
you risk so much
its back is just turned on you
slammed door in your face
turning around just as you get into view
headphone is and drowing out the world
you'll never get your voice heard.

2008-11-13T22:43:00.000-05:00

i'd kill for a glance
make this go away
i don't like these thoughts
swarming bees fucking with my brain
jittery and shocked out of fear
quivering voice and sweating palms
end this all
make me quit
i don't want this
i'll throw that mirror
so get it out of my face
i can't stand to look
see myself
why do i expect you to stand me?
i'd press that blade to my arm
but then remember that scent
fucking thing is rusty
old habits
gone
i promise
check my wrists and see no faint lines
not the slightest cut
but that's not my only motive to release this all
push you away
torture myself
see everyone with smiles so big and shiny
know i didn't cause it
i should give up
no more giving a shit
last time i will only think "just fuck it"

my hand's not broken
it's only throbbing
you made my heart beat too fast for it to control itself
my fist is just red from some crazy thing
making my heart beat
racing faster
blood stopping still
collecting in my hand
warming it so my touch won't remind you of death.

capricous

2008-11-06T18:47:00.006-05:00

spinning
one turns
try to run
easier said than done
rub the bottle
appear dear genie
save one from this doom one is seeing

this face of fear
see how it never fades
leaving its imprint on the face
beg again for it all to be gone
fuck the pain away
make it all die
push hard
push fast
snap
break through
watch the withered host turn to dust
blow in the wind
hear it cry
tears slowly drip
fall from the sky
make it end
make it fast
force it out to make it back
return again
back in black
shead everything of worth
pelt lying lifeless
choked up
need saving
hold out for a hero
damsel in distress
flailing arms
petrified cries

pull close

pull slow

finally seeing

one has retired for said night
peak a boo
try to find one
the intentions being true
remove the mask
the helmet and visor
see no fearful face
turn to a mirror
catch that glimpse
notice why one was

abandoning power
strength of the hour
pain from holding on
tears in eyes
soul softly dies
turning to flee
spinning

tantalization

2008-11-01T23:05:00.003-04:00

a taunting craving
chanting never ending
replay recordings
refresh the page
remind me of her
too much of her
so much of her
can't handle the taste coming back
looking for dangerous
searching for clues
hunting it down
hounding out the truth
who cares if i don't want to find out
who cares if i beg for it to stay hidden
pull you closer
stalking after
catching your scent
keep coming closer
instinct kicking in
craving taking over
impulse making moves to put us on the same level
i thought i erased this
burnt it from within
expelled all thought
of touching your soft skin
as cliche as it sounds
you smell of home
my only real comfort zone
what i'd give for you to touch me once
to feel the electicity
act on a feeling maybe?
if you could only sence how my breath catches

oct. 25

2008-11-01T15:41:00.002-04:00

whenever i read something you say that makes me feel like shit for hurting you,
i want to talk to someone...
anyone,
about just anything in the world.
i feel like all i ever do is breed hate
discontent
with everyone around me.
i'm making people feel uneasy
and worrying them.
i'm making myself paranoid all over again.
for some reason i remember out of nowhere
that i cave under attention.
suffocate with pressure
i feel like this is all just another addiction
another empty hole inside looking for filling
stress the press for the story within
i'll try to hide it even from them
ever wish it would end?
all feelings cease
be left alone with nothing
no emotions to believe?
nothing to go on
no gut feeling.
i wish i lost it
had no thought process
didn't have to ponder what my emotions commanded me do as a backlash
a result to something i did in my past
"it's obvious someone has hurt you bad"
i was the one hurting them
i was the one feeling the pain they had
i am the one causing it all to continue
but if i change one thing
give it up as a sacrificial tribute
how would things change
the towers will fall at my feet in the end
in one way or another i'll be alone
disbanded from the world others exsisted in with me
but don't i look out for all i can
then think about me?
don't i usually leave myself last
pass out everything else i can
all attention and devotion to those who deserve it
to let myself have the scraps in the end?
did i abandon myself to this land of stray dogs?
to look out for others i let myself fall
did i hold them up so long
that i forgot i'd be left behind?
i can climb out on my own
i've dug this grave with no shovel and no help
shouldn't i be able to get out?

spoon fed

2008-08-26T21:27:00.002-04:00

what i would give
for that high i need
a glimpse
a taste to last the night

watching those wretched movies
the patheticly adorable movies
watching all their love stories
i find it so damn hard to not think
seeing myself as one
and you their lover
standing on the brink

this feeling never comes when i want it
it's as flighty as any other bird
on the canopy's leafy summit
to catch it in my hands means holding you forever
never flinching to let go of you the slightest bit
hide you away in my tiny golden locket

dancing on the edge of a knife rusted
i'll hold on to you forever
as promised
any thought of loosing this star in my night
every good intention of mine being crushed
i'll keep you too close and shower you with my intentions
space is all you'll need

i need you near
everytime you leave i shrink in morbid fear
what if you don't want me in a tiny golden locket
one to keep 'round your neck
so i'm with you everywhere
saving you from every wreck

that craving
do you ever feel it?
that one demanding you to indulge it?
a drug you need just one more time
knock you up to your feet
brighten that smile just so much more
kill that pain in my heart you hold so dear and close
longing to see its birth-righted owner

you clawed under my skin
there i feel you multiplying
i need you here so bad
so it's not too weird that i'm panting

i want to sleep cuddled up close to you
to wake up with a smile
i need to feel you against my sheild for a while
fight for me to be close
just to find you had me all along

prove you crave me
stick me in a golden locket
bind me in place
keep me in a cage
let me so deep under your skin i can't get out
indulge that damn craving everytime you feel it start
it never lets up

it always wants just one more night.

_ _ _

2008-08-22T17:34:00.002-04:00

tail between legs
ears down
feet plopping around
body trudging on
growing weaker and weaker
tired of following a long dead trail
if i were to say i belonged to someone
it'd be a lie
but don't tell anyone
they'll judge me before i get the chance to try
instead i'll be me in the end
this tired beast
drained past exhaustion
i keep looking
i keep searching
too damn much do i feel lost
forever wandering
scrounging up thoughts for pondering
tuffs of fur still missing
i know you offer me home
without you by my side i can't find home
i feel like wandering
hopefully it'll initate something
want a bed for sleeping
need somewhere comforting
maps can't help me
my eyes can't read the key
scent after scent
i search for your's
lost with your heart as my guide
you don't yell out the feeling inside
forever i feel lost
wandering on this road with my tail trying to hide.

? ? ?

2008-08-09T16:17:00.002-04:00

my head spins
faster faster
merry-go round goes
how fast can it go?
when will it stop?
stop these tears streaming down out of woe
all happiness drained
color ceases to stay
dwindling power proceeds a slow fading
the sun kills it
presence of you makes me sick
i can't cry you out
you damn demented light
keep burning my eyes
heat strangling my throat
breathing is shallower and shallower
through each moment's pass pain grows
nothing subsides
only my sanity
realizing this is no longer a free ride

how i wish you killed me when you had the chance
finished me off when everyone had their victory dance
here i am stuck in a world
too different for me to be alone for too long
fetal posing insecure withered being
i thought i changed
only the scenery changed
and here i am
stuck where i began
just as lost as before
i chase you as you set each night
when you rise i spring from my leg-hugging position
bask in your light while i can
then as you set, it all begins again.

it's not my best, i've written so many better

2008-08-08T10:48:00.004-04:00

before i compared my dull life
to being in a cage
i had it all wrong.

i was stuck in a reserve
for other animals like myself
first things first
she was taken by them
to another place was all i was told
torn from my side
abandonment
alone
no one else really mattered like her
suddenly i woke one morning
seeing another one staring me in the face
caught off guard
scared to wit's end
she jumps on me
out of nowhere
we wrestled
play fought
ended in much laughter

her fur was sleek and soft
her energy was up
i got lost in those eyes
so many times
couldn't find my way out
even when she'd return to her other
that's when i noticed i was really in some place new
a different reserve
life seen in a new hue

she came back so much
tugging at my ears
fell in love with her touch

stuck in a daze she put me in
loosing control of all impulses and life again
another one entered the picture
and her life rebegan

i felt lost and thrown aside
no one in that reserve liked me
an outcast amongst my own kind
even when she entered my life
i felt so lost
she tried to help me
i shrugged her off
i hurt that one too bad to be allowed to live
she walked away
leaving me behind
found herself someone she could confide in
of course she found the girl i feared most
the one who damned me to the darkest pit
to solely rot

at that time
the owners realized i was no good there
threw me into a cage they dared
locked the door and left me be
i paced and paced
after long enough i realized they only came by once a day
throwing me scraps of meat
some food to hold me over
that door never opened
it all got so monotonous
i'd try and try
but that lock would stick
so predictable
i longed for a touch
and bite
anything
i wanted someone who'd tackle me
who'd bite at my ears
nibble my neck
jump at me like a crazed animal
just to play

but here i'm stuck
in a cage
seldom are the visits
never any affection.

2008-08-06T21:13:00.002-04:00

strain
pull the cart
rain falls on the dirt path that lay before the gloomy, sunken-in, dead eyes
blood veins pop out
muscules strain harder and harder
can't feel the sweat dragging down a powerful jaw
eyes becoming blood shot from salt in the sweat dripping
jumping
body exhausted beyond belief
push push
farther and farther
person no longer human
a savage beast broke out
pushed passed human compacity
out of city limits
pull the cart
drag them through hell
they remain safe in the cart
heaven on hell
strain

- - -

2008-08-02T21:53:00.005-04:00

read between the lines
this way
that
through these lines
or those
vert
or otherwise

every which way
new stories
new suprise
until you find they're just the made-up lies
of those who die
leaving the ones who can't stop their cries
kill-joys to all passer-bys

the staggering fellows
whose fathers used to tell them the drunken lullabies
strong whiskey on their breath made the small child flutter his eyes
tears well up as the memory ceases to die
still the child inside keeps asking why

read between the lines
these lines written in sticky liquid hope
on bold crisp truth
with a fragile quil of tranquility

power hungry grab at the coattails of few
world ruled by the ones on top
starved peasants hold up the control-tripping beasts
broken and defeated
there lie the elderly
the children left no scraps
the others killed each other just to grab them
mayhem and distruction
chaos and perversion
minds reduced to mush
all sticky hope
feels like it's been washed off

hold the one love
one thought in mind to rule all function
misleading love to think the only desire is of lust and physical attraction
care and passion cloak themselves
their true intentions

soon it's just the blind leading the deaf
onward they walk to a tall cliff ledge
only getting half the story
the blind ramble on
explaining it all
while the deaf cannot hear
and think the blind want to harm the deaf
push them over the cliff
and laugh at their fall
when the blind wants the deaf
to describe the beauty it misses from the sky's resent painting
bold truth was ignored
tattered and torn by uncaring actions
not thought out
pittiful, careless, actions

explosions erupt
overflowing pots of over boiled water
dreadful sizzling never to cease
ears screaming for sounds to jump out of the peice
conflict arises
attacks all standing near
droplets of hot water jump
pain is physicalized for all to see
not only a heart in pain
from breaking
shattering
into tiny shards of glass to stab any who come near
any who try to comfort and close of the void
rained on with pain they cannot bear
cuts and bruises appear
peace diverted
avoided the traffic jam of emotions
left the immediate area at the sight of the hurricane
abandoning sticky liquid hope to be washed away
off the hands and out of hearts of many
bailing on bold crisp truth to become blown around
soaked in tears of the public to transform into a soggy mess

the instructions to preventing this
is short and simple
just read between the lines.

zoned student

2008-07-23T07:10:00.004-04:00

life lessons slowly being relearned
i sit and hear the teacher speak for a turn
learn for the second
forget once i stop
looking at my arm in hope i burned the key to life there
directions on each lesson there
arrogent nature rams heads with the lessons i try to learn
released into the wild
my nature knows not how to react
never been here before
in this place
in this way
or maybe i have
and can no longer keep track

i lean to the others
everyone else in my pack
this new pack i wandered into
head looking down
afraid of attack
a whimper escapes
hoping it's enough of a hint
some laugh and chuckle
others maul it over for a quick second

just teach me this lesson
the one from my teachers
i didn't listen to them
but they explained too many broad details
i know i'm unhappy
please, fix it for me
but in the mean time,
please don't change me...

defenceless mother tree

2008-07-14T21:46:00.002-04:00

go right ahead
think you can brand me
mark me up as the rest
stamp my forehead to match the rest
all of them
those wretched people "like me"
you wish we were the same
all alike for you to lable and catigorize
it'd be easier that way
rape the weakened defenceless
the tired from fighting back for so long
bury the bitch after the fights been taken out of her
hope the dirt muffles her cries
dig her up for show when you feel the need to exploit her
to reap the benefits she bares
the fruit on her withered branches
dress her like a queen
act as though you pay her the respect
once they turn their backs
you steal the respect back in a flash
ignore the gleam in her eyes
the pain you put her through
claiming it's for her own good
devouring her fruit
abusing limbs
tearing off branch after branch
just to beat her with them
laugh at the joke of her demise
laugh it all off
bury her again
dig her up only to reap her benefits.

inked

2008-07-07T10:25:00.002-04:00

cover yourself in black ink
no inch of your true body may show
colored in black
absorb all
every blow to another
every tear of light the sun cries
every scream of the unshealtered and pained

every word i write
i write in ink
chisel in stone
never can it be simply washed away
leaving a mark never to be undone
shead the dried ink
save the broken ends
put them in a jar
air tight
never to be free
the burden becomes yours
you hide the problems from the world
find your own solutions
walk amongst the ones living this painful story you've shead
stand up and tell them all the end of the story you've predicted

lived through it all
absorbed them
felt their stories
been through the pain
defeated the horror of it all
swallowed the tears you feel on your cheeks
stood triumphant on the mound of the decaying corpes of truth
you broke reality
conquored it all
there's no way it could have happened
no way possible

i continue writing
in this ink
chisel in stone boulders no one can move
no one can ignore

cover yourself in ink
ever inch of you completely covered in the black ink
step out in the day
absorb it all again
shead the dried ink
examination once again begins.

torn minded

2008-07-05T08:07:00.004-04:00

scream!
i don't care if you say you can't hear me
i'll still scream.

don't turn your back
don't ignore me when i speak
throw my ideas aside
abuse them
torment them
after i explain

no, no
sweet omega
sweet, scared, hurt, defenceless omega
listen to me,
they mean nothing
let your insides curse them
spit acidic words at them if you please
attack them and push them on their backs
they must stop and see they must look up to you
kindred spirit,
please look up
bear your teeth
allow the voices to let loose that snarl
let it echo in your scarred chest
fight back to them
this trial will be over soon
for them.

oh pleasant one,
dear and kind omega
walk with me
turn around and keep your nose down
they aren't worth your time
come and i'll help keep you safe
i'll defend you when the time comes
befriend me dear weak one
my exhausted friend
ask anything and i'll make it happen
you are not retreating from them
you are not making a fool of yourself
calm yourself inside
allow your troubles to escape in the breeze that blows through us
now,
bring your nose up
look at the world in this new color
with a different filter of the light
in a flash you see it all so different
this tint
this new color you see
you may see everyday if you want
stay by me
and find how relaxing your life can really be
see you don't need your teeth beared
you don't have to let the hate build up this snarl
this life is easier
this life is better
so chin up.

opening suddenly calmed eyes
the shadowy, murky grey blue eyes of the omega
tails between its hind legs
ears down and back as a sign or showing respect
closing eyes
turning swiftly from the others
it walks from them
one voice screams
one voice murmurs
screams for acts corruption to change their minds
murmurs for acts of peace to do part in fixing it all
one taunts, fills all with pain and horror
one tries to undo the hell that has broken loose...

another apology

2008-07-02T21:04:00.002-04:00

bubbling acid wells up inside
tattered and torn from my own hands
a tear in my skin
can't stand feeling locked in
embarrassment stops me
self image contains me
a caged pet to you all
the ones who stroll past
looking in a laughing
snearing snub smiles
noses high in air
i end up ripping myself apart

i leave myself open for you
i jump out of myself to you
the soft interior to cousion your fall
laughing stock of the world once i realize i didn't help you
once i see i was too flimsy to save you
willpower less
not enough to keep you out of harm's reach
a soft heart below it all
crushed from being so weak
so spineless.

brainwashed

2008-06-18T08:37:00.002-04:00

a tube stuck in my head
one down my throat
a thin one
stuck in my arm
an i.v. to keep the test subject alive.

eyes taped open
brace around my neck
holding me in place
stitch my arms and legs
keep me from leaving
from getting away

true it's no one else's fault
i should have ripped away
torn the skin from my arms
cut the skin from my legs
grabbed the tubes and pulled them away
fought to escape the hell you were going to put me in.

tradgic truth of this whole case
i was the one who sat in the chair
i was the one who followed your rules
i didn't stand up and argue the facts
i didn't fight back
repel those damn thoughts from my mind
i was too weak
afraid of pain
self induced, gut wretching pain

i let you change my mind
i let you form it
mold it in this way
i let you make me think it's bad to be me...

untitled for right now. i want to add more

2008-06-10T07:09:00.003-04:00

strike of confidence
jitter bubble exploding with joy
can't help but smile
can't help but want to urge this change
push it
push it
she's been growing in that crisalid this whole time
evolving into something new for quite the while

can never change
must always stay the same
flighty and flirty
emotions wonder about
kidnapped by any with a spark of intrest
always this being
this pet who'll never grow older
stuck in this never never land forever
always mind at the same age
body grows old and begins to silently decay
mind ignores the murderous pain
until it dies from ignorance
died from continuously playing a deadly game
torn around by lust and dependance
then pushed away by forced independance

i meet this butterfly
one who has changed
spreading her wings out wide
flaunting with her fragmented pride
and a smile spreads across my face
lifts me and takes me from my never never land ish place
a different side of me is finally
more than awake.

1/26/08

2008-04-29T00:37:00.002-04:00

tis a spell
tis only a damn spell.
so cruel and harsh
yet a sweet loving spell.
i think much too much.
look into stories for deeper meaning,
over-looking the troubles i ended up causing.
a whirl wind of tragedy
sweep through the town over night,
only i never saw it,
because my nature i'd fight.

born for the night,
to roam free and the abyss no one could see through,
slip under the radar,
sneak into a house,
merge.
fuse.
melt into it.

i suddenly lived for the day.
that light caught me off guard,
it was more beautiful than i had been told.
drawn to the sun.
lured by a glance.
breath taking,
word bumbling.
a bright fiery hell
i had never once before sought.
this disposition put my life on the line.

the seconds i could be alone with the sun,
felt so perfect.
warming and calm.
loving, and sweet.
yet still so strong.
a potent dose,
left me still in awe.

a memory foam matress.
you pressed yourself so close,
and i pressed back.
absorbing every part of you i could.
everytime you'd leave,
i'd still feel you pressed to me.
slowly pulling away.

never wanting to leave.
but just
pulling away.
everytime you've said it,
i wouldn't let it sink in.
i turned to rock to drown it out.
i bite my lip everytime i feel someone near by.
i cringe at your name.
remembering these fresh pains.
this last time
i just couldn't take it.
the water running over me still affected me.
the other rocks hitting me beat away at me slowly.

once again,
i find my sleeping out of control.
i still wake for the sun in the morning.
my nature is trying to be in control again,
sleep in the day,
be complacent in your presence.
no cares in the world,
just to slip through the abyss of night.
snipishly rejected,
a mourning growl of anguish.
i can't let go,
and my nature wants control.
i have no reason to be awake this much.
running in circles trying to find something to do,
anything.
occupy my time with their issues,
work my mind into a frenzied death,
no piece of mind or heart,
ever again to be left.

animal intent 2/6/08

2008-04-29T00:32:00.003-04:00

daylight ebbs and vanishes before the blink of an eye,
the nature of my being longs to get up and be alive.
the moon beckons me,
calls to me, sweetly.
a worried voice trying to lure me.
the sun kept me awake all day against my nature's will.
the moon tugs at my tail,
the sun leaves memories, imprints, on my fur
as she strokes my muzzle in a lasting goodbye.
a dire fight, struggle, to gain control of me.
the moon wishes, my nature wills me, fight to stay awake.
give up on the sun's waking spell,
fall victim and stay awake
for the one who has always been there for you.

gets you nowhere 4/18/08

2008-04-29T00:25:00.002-04:00

thinking burying everything
might save some sanity
might protect your dignity
cover the mistake before it's caught
before it's seen by taunting eyes
picking apart your life
shreading open cuts and making them deeper
infecting them with poison kisses
saying it's to make them better
but we all know
it's just to sabatoge the healing process
to demolish the immunity you built up
to yell and spit in your face like angry bosses
exploit your life to all
showcase your emotions to any who pass
putting your pain on a pike
flaunting them around for all to spit on you
to kick dirt in your eyes.
you thought burying it was admirable
saw it as a strong respondsible thing to do
honored for the pain you ignored
teasing jokes spewed in your delicate ears
angered words of loathing of the breath leaving your lips
your demise written in your blood
none of it can be buried
no shreads of your dignity
no fragments of your sanity
will be left in your grasp.

see their faces blazing red fiery fury.
see how it leaves you defenceless to the judgemental jury.

feel the heat in their spit-fire words burning your skin.
feel all life drain from within.

taste an overpowering copper ness in the air from the blood they made you shead.
taste just how much you on depend the assuring stability in the words she said.

hear taunts and remarks bring the tears of truth to your eyes, said to be soul less.
hear the wheels of fear turning in your mind twice as fast.

smell moist graveyard dirt as you place yourself in the earth to hide from it all once again.
smell the strong scent of fear emerging, just like how it is to once again, begin.

4/21/08

2008-04-29T00:21:00.001-04:00

theory
after theory
after damnedable theory.
just excuses to my flaws
reasons to not hate me
attempting to find reasons to take back words of anger and hate
resentment of an uncountable degree.
hiding behind masks of false collectivity
siding with one person just to hide the undying anger bubbling inside.
chew chew swallow
forget you ever ate my dignity
come back with an empty stomach
begging for more
craving a new story after story
more theories to not call me a whore.
in the end
statistics don't matter
just the amount of fuck ups that appear.

4/27/08

2008-04-29T00:19:00.001-04:00

deadly assassin of composured
ragging me down
below dirt and soil
earth worms skull fucking the dead
rubbing in the diseased infections into the injuries
making it all worse when someone looks up and finally sees
witnessing the pain and droned faces plastered on
doing nothing for the mind controled
walking away as if nothing important stopped them dead in their tracks
decaying faces slowly washing away with the dirt on the road
rain to clense this wretched world
this "humble abode"
gravity of a sort pulls this dimise closer and closer
soon it will indefinately take over
giving in to the comfort of the dirt and soil
trying to escape this home
this place of which we constantly toil.

it all will repeat 2/22/08

2008-04-29T00:13:00.004-04:00

Twists and turns
a spinning cyclone.
A jumbled mess.
Quick,
find the pattern.
No I’m not too crazy to spot this alone,
the other half of me helped,
so throw me a bone.
We spittingly argued over which way in read it
upside down?
Or through the eyes on an outsider
and see nothing.
From a distance,
oh from afar?
I think I’ll still see this pattern with its taunting glare
standing out from the rest once it's been spotted
highlighted in red
blood red blotted.
Sick memories burnt into my arms
carved into my back
holding down my feet
to make me breathe in,
absorb,
the pattern's disturbing delight.

Raccoons try to disappear from it
but this one just cannot hide,
one stupid old raccoon
will stay until it dies.
Allowing this pattern to be imprinted on my skin,
I’ll hold real still,
for a quick thrill,
to see this "forever and ever"
again.

annoying movie 2/23/08

2008-04-29T00:07:00.003-04:00

A movie.
I recorded it so long ago,
and it has become my obsession.
I only recorded the first 2 years of it.
I’m always left at a cliff hanger.
Stuck in a cycle of rewinding, and playing the same movie.
Watching the main character
connecting with her,
reading her every thought,
following her.
Every time I rewatch a single part,
I notice something new,
something different.
See the new sudden twinkle in her eye,
the one when she walks closer to that person one more time.
Hear the sharp pain in her voice
when she talks to the other person, the one with the green eyes,
about the lover she was left for.
Deep down feel how it feels when she's been stabbed in the back
by the one with grey eyes,
taste the jealousy in her voice as she lashes out about it.
The movie always stays the same.

I always scream at my TV
for her to stop and run and hide from it all.
I always cringe
from watching the blade be drug across her arm.
I always cry when her crystal blue eyes well up and pool over with salty tears.
As sobs escape us both,
in unison,
my movie cuts off and I press rewind.
Start it all from the beginning one more time.
I’ll never finish this movie,
I’ll never know if it has a happy ending,
or if it ever ends at all,
but I’ll still watch it over and over.
Crying and screaming.
Hiding and cringing.
But still she always goes back to them.
Then and now,
you'll see her go right back, too afraid to let them go without one last try.

Never learning my lesson from her pain on screen,
the pain I share with her,
knowing there is nothing different in me and her.
Nothing between our bleeding hearts,
but only because,
they are the same.

can only be a raccoon

2008-03-22T19:25:00.003-04:00

don't you just hate the pressure
pressing down on you?
that constant feeling like someone is trying to crush you
squish you like a bug under their shoe
spread your guts all over the concrete
leaving you there for your final resting place
ignoring you until that burial date.

i have no wings
no fingers to use for climbing
i'm stuck on the side of this damn boulder yet again
i always am
don't you ever understand?
i keep hearing "i've been in your shoes"
yet no one can tell me what to try
what to do
so i dance in circles
stuck in a sick twisted daze
i feel as though the pressure and dizzy fuzzy haze is going to make me hurl
passout in exhaustion from fighting it for so long
i feel like shit
i fear it's my fault again
i could swear you lied to me
just to keep me safe
protect me.
you have wings
ability to flyand feel no pressure
no emotions grab you
drag you down
your wings aren't clipped
dammit i'm growing tired of this gravity pressuring shit
pulling me so damn close to you
feeling your love and passion smoldering by my side
right in my peripheral veiw
i want to cry outburst into tears
put out the flames of you
i don't want to feel them there
see your eyes in my mind when i close mine
they don't help the situation
they don't release me from this pressuring hell
they captivate me in a swirling mistake
suck me into a riptide
one i'm stuck in
for i have no fins.
you are both
you can escape this deadly pressure and whirling disaster
leaving the raccoon behind
but is it for the raccoon to become stronger
or keep depending on you to come save her...?

rewrite history

2008-03-16T19:16:00.004-04:00

i tried to leave
escape myself in a turn of tragic events
run away from the me i feared and loathed.

it didn't work.
or course it wouldn't
of course you'd pull me back
you'd look in my eyes
pull out strands of reality before i pulled away.
i wanted to forget
erase myself from the book of truths
rewrite myself in lies
leave me a static character
no change
no difference in the end of the story.
i wanted you to help lead me out of here
this banishment camp i was sentenced to just for being me.

you were saving me dammit
you were loving me dipshit
i was leaving myself behind to be with you
i was changing myself to i liar for you
i wanted you happy
i wanted to make you smile without you seeing the bad in my eyes
the diaster waiting to happen
the tragedy begining to unfold on your plate.
you didn't understand it all
my eyes told you everything you wanted to know
and you couldn't understand it?
spelled out for you in plain english
and how can you not get it?

i tried to run
like peter pan's shadow i tried to be free
myself
my own being
but she looked in my eyes after you and pulled me back.
reuniting me with myself once again
thinking she saved me from falling apart
thinking she pulled me back together again
but now i have a body attached to me
now i'm no longer free.

she told you what she saw
she squealed my scerets to life in my world
how to get there
how to live there
how comfortable it is there
how much i lie there
who i really am while i'm there
who i am not when i'm here.

you stapled me to myself
you got a good look at who i am
you hate it
i wanted you happy
here you are angry
looking at me
seeing i'm not who you thought i was before
seeing why i ran so fast from being a damn whore
escaping me
so i thought
until it caught up
tackled me
and now here i am
no longer with the will i used when i fought

a confession of my attempt to escape
to run
hide in the snow
burying my face in it
rubbing my nose in it
you want to smack the omega once you find me
drag me back to the pack for them to abuse me
does it matter if i deserve it?
not in your eyes
not in there's
the lower than dirt omega is your toy to play with.

just please don't wonder why i try to escape.

in my prints i try to leave behind

2008-03-14T18:36:00.004-04:00

run
scurry
flee
escape.
i want to pull away.
disconnect from you.
it's probably better that way.
it's probably smarter that way.
you're the reason i'm held
bound
to this damn pack.
a blood trait that keeps me held so close
a bond never to be severed
with a twinge of pain in every glance or look,
shock treatment therapy
sending electrodes pulsing through my veins
throbbing in my ears
a message constantly repeating
a lesson i'll never be learning
a whispery voice
droning on quietly,
run
scurry
flee
escape
don't stop till you're too drained to hesitate.
i want so badly to pull away from you,
but inevitably, while i run and look over my shoulder
thinking i hear a sound,
your paws will be following me
with your whispery voice on the nape of my neck
run
scurry
flee
escape.

2008-03-12T22:11:00.000-04:00

feeling a pain
a knife in my back
not from her words
but from your actions of thrusting that rusty blade to the hilt
in my flesh and muscle
you seem to posess a smile of pride and mockery on your face
i feel so damn light headed i can't force my eyes to see straight

i was your pet,
you held yarn in front of my face and i scrambled for the end,
you tickled behind my fluffy ears
just to gain my trust,
slowly rubbed my stomach for just a little more dependability on top,
then as i was purring away
still caught in a daze,
and you attacked when you saw the chance
showing no sign of remorse.