held under

lungs about to burst
why does this hurt?
my throat burns
nose yearns
i need to--
but you hold me here
should have gotten a deeper breath
should have known
listened
"not for a while"
hold you to it
in one ear
out the other
you hold me here
the reef i hug
cling to
you never said it
so here i wait
wait and wait
i'm crying
can't tell can you?
i know
the stripes hide it
can't see a tear when it's there
right before your eyes
it looks like a stripe
are you keeping time?
it's been a while
still here i am
clutching to the coral
in the way of a choice?
reminding you
without using my voice
another bubble to catch your attention
shouldn't let out more
your patience is wearing thin
my lungs are about to give in
i keep on wondering when...
is it a test or are you lost from the confusing directions?

that's stealing

like a bubble of acid
i spew
it won't go away
forms again and again
i want to scream
only tears come
it hurts too damn much
the i.v.
what has he put in it?
why?
i feel insane
driven up a wall
abandoned in a hospital
acid again
tried everything
electroshock
hypnosis
nothing new
s.s.d.d.

why is a wall working against me?
the instructions said keep going
here i am
face first in this wall
acid keeps coming
something in my way
bergamot scented
damn hard place

does it matter?

"the 't' is silent"

i thought you were supposed to help me...?

propety

wait
not until you say the words
everything tells me
"let go"



no.

i can't
i won't


you mislead
just like her
never opening up

am i not worth it?


hardening
icing growing a flexed film
my soft inside
covering
before i close up
harden completely



miss you
kiss you


don't belong to you

i want to


stake your claim


please?


i want this
even though the ground is crumbling
foundation failing


i still have it
until you push...
"let go"

no title yet 4/15/09

questions
questions
demand
questions


what if i am...?

can i change it?

i love you
i do mean it


your lips



or no one's


afraid


but i want to know


toy?
experiment?

am i...?



don't say it.
you won't mean it.
don't lie.
please...


i love you.


just let me say it


i do



...experiment?

i'm scared


don't hurt
please don't

don't lie
just tell me

you don't love me


pet?
toy?
your project?
troubled stepping stone?
experiment?



everything?

nothing

...something?


just a stepping stone?

take this gun
it's loaded
pull the trigger
make me stop
i can't stand this
aching and hurting
everyday i think
nothing i do is ever helping
all i do is keep crying
all i want is you to keep wanting

untitled for now

clawing a way under
in the skin
flesh and muscle
feast on everything
living off another
wants to needs
need this
need that
parasitism
keeping close
needing it
get the match
nail polish
before illness comes
rid self of the tick

switched out
pull back hard as possible
gags and coughs
around the neck isn't the leash
'twas a noose
they switched
no lasso to be easily undone
no chain to corrode
a simple rope

escort to the bed
anything to burn the thoughts out
ignore the dead
forget they happened
anything to feel good
to forget
make the ride fun
a new high
reach the level
everything is gone
only the pleasure
escort or drug
suspend high in the air

tick, parasite
rid of the need
ignore guilt
hang 'em high
over the town
escort to the top
scapegoat the tick,
animal, whore, and parasite
leading false paths to this frown

go to the pet store.